Things I don’t get

People have a funny way of accepting stuff that makes absolutely no sense, stuff that makes you go “huh?” if you only stop and think about it.

Take Gerber. When they’re not scamming babies (i.e., selling brown-tinted sugar water as apple juice), they also insure them. In a long-running (and presumably successful) commercial, the Gerber “grow-up plan” promises $10,000 worth of life insurance for your baby for less than 22 cents per day. And you keep that same fabulous rate until they’re 18, when they become eligible to buy their own.

Huh?

Life insurance for the parents, I get (although $10,000 barely covers the funeral costs these days). But how is paying $10,000 to mummy or daddy when the kid croaks going to protect a baby? Hit up any of the true crime sites and you’ll see story after grisly story describing how loving relatives offed someone for the insurance money. Only protection I see is that $10K is a bit low to risk a murder rap.

According to Gerber’s website, one of the big benefits is that in 20 years your child can withdraw “at least” 100% of the premiums paid…assuming every payment was made on time.

Jeeez, people. Do the math. “Less than 22 cents per day” (let’s be generous and say 21 cents per day). 365 days in a year. 20 years. That’s $0.21 X 365 X 20, or a whole $1,533 after 20 years of faithful payment. If the average cost for the monthly postage stamp to MAKE those payments over 20 years is, say, $48 (assuming you didn’t use free electronic billpay that whole time), you’ve invested $1,581 for a return of $1,533.

Uhhh…you could a better rate of return by sticking your money in a sock and burying it in the backyard for 20 years. Like I said, I don’t get it.

Laptop rentals. For $747, a laptop rental place will loan me a refurbished, barebones laptop with minimal memory, not much more than the OS, no DVD, and a tiny hard drive. I can keep it for a whole month for that $747.

My mom just bought a brand-new laptop, far better equipped, for $799. (She’s graciously agreed to let me borrow it until my new laptop arrives.)

So, I don’t get laptop rentals, either.

Sex as an insult. Then there’s the familiar (especially if you live in New York) epithet: “F*#@ you!” I’ve never understood why someone would invite an enemy to have sex when it should be the farthest thing from both their minds. I dunno…maybe it’s a guy dominance thing. But then why do women say it? “I hate you, please come and have sex with me…?”

Nope. Don’t get that one, either.

Or reality TV. Here’s a chance to have your worst possible side displayed to millions of drooling viewers, to be tormented and taunted, to be caught picking your nose on television (and then see it again and again when the show goes into syndication). Who wouldn’t want that?

And for what? A 1 in 25 chance to win 30% of a million bucks after the taxman and advisors and lawyers get through with you? Marrying the kind of person who WANTS to spend three months looking for someone else’s choice of spouse on national TV? Work hard at being an bigger jerk than the jerk you’re working for, so he’ll give you a permanent position?

Yet another thing I don’t get.

Or the stock market. I’m FAMOUS for not getting the stock market. Company brings out a new product, the stock goes down. Company announces earnings took a nosedive, stock goes up. Company announces sweeping layoffs, a sure sign that SOMEbody screwed up somewhere, stock hits the stratosphere and keeps climbing.

Except right now, of course. My Intel stock options expire in 49 days and all but about 3 shares are seriously underwater. Intel leaks that it’s going to make sweeping layoffs, I think “well, at least the stock price will go up,” and right after the layoff announcement, INTC takes a nosedive.

So how come the one time I want the world to go right on behaving in a nonsensical, irrational manner, it up and gets sensible on me?

Go figure.

Update 10/26/06: On that last one–Intel stock hit $21.70 on the announcement of new chips and fresh layoffs, so instead of a pittance I received a pittance plus 12%. I cashed in my non-underwater options two days before they expired. On the last day (today) the stock hit $21.77, highest it’s been since I left Intel, so $21.70 is relatively great.

So.. we’re at least somewhat returning to irrationality. Thank heavens.

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