12 days of Glassmass
December 25, 2010
Whether you celebrate the Christian/pagan day or not, best wishes for a festive holiday season, and much hope and joy for the last 5 days of the year and the 365 to follow. Here’s what should be the last of my fractured carols for 2010:
The 12 days of Glassmass
On the first day of Glassmass my true love gave to me
A kilnforming lesson or three
On the second day of Glassmass my true love gave to me
Two slumping molds
And a kilnforming lesson or three
On the third day of Glassmass my true love gave to me
Three pounds of frit
Two slumping molds
And a kilnforming lesson or three
On the fourth day of Glassmass my true love gave to me
Four sheets of glass
Three pounds of frit
Two slumping molds
And a kilnforming lesson or three
On the fifth day of Glassmass my true love said to me
Five platters please!
Sell them, we’ll get rich
Says right here
Get rich making glass
Got a gallery waiting for these!
On the sixth day of Glassmass that sweetie said to me
Heard from the gallery
More platters please!
Twenty bucks a pop
Moving fast
See how well they sell
With a kilnforming lesson or three!
On the seventh day of Glassmass my darling said to me
Step up production
Heard from the gallery
More platters please!
Now he wants some bowls
And some plates
He’ll pay two bucks each
At this rate we’ll be rich, you’ll see!
On the eighth day of Glassmass my boyfriend said to me
Glass is expensive
Let’s be more careful
Heard from the gallery
Five platters please!
Let’s not waste that glass
Don’t need frit
Try to stretch it out
Or we’ll never get rich, you see!
On the ninth day of Glassmass that guy, he said to me
Here is a spreadsheet
Glass is expensive
We’re losing money
Heard from the gallery
Five platters please!
Twenty bucks a pop
Ain’t enough
Gotta raise the price
Cause we don’t make a profit on these!
On the tenth day of Glassmass my dumb love said to me
Stop spending money
Here is a spreadsheet
Glass is expensive
We’re losing money
Heard from the gallery
No platters please!
When I raised the price
They said no
Gotta make ‘em cheap
Or we’re stuck with the inventory!
On the eleventh day of Glassmass that moron said to me
Try using float glass
What is the difference?
Here is a spreadsheet
Glass is expensive
We’re losing money
Fuse them together
Screw COE!
Anything to cut
All these costs
Gotta make ‘em cheap
Or we’re stuck with the inventory!
On the twelfth day of Glassmass my ex-love said to me
Honey, been thinkin’
Glass market’s sinkin’
Raising chinchilla
Growing vanilla
Could be the answer
To this disaster
What do you think of
Cabbage patch dolls?
All we gotta do
Is hock your ring
Then I know this guy
And we’ll get rich quick, you’ll..
(slam)
Uhm….Honey? Sweetie? It’s cold out here…Honey?
And a bonus:
Have yourself
A merry little Glassmass!
Hope your kilns stay hot
Wishing you the best of all creative spots
Have yourself
A merry little Glassmass,
And a glass-filled day!
Thermal shock forever to be miles away
Never more will your pieces break
And your molds won’t shake apart
Castuaries will speed along
Coldworking will be a song!
Some day soon
I hope we get together
Sharing glass and more
Until then we’ll all sell glasswork by the score!
So have yourself
A merry little Glassmass now!
Happy holidays, everyone!
Day 5: We three frits
December 24, 2010
As hard (and painful) as it is to believe, I’ve now compiled a book of about thirty of these, something which scares even me. I’m not going to post them all, but…I could. For a price. Or possibly somebody would pay me NOT to publish? Hmmmm….
We three frits
(more apologies, this time to “We Three Kings of Orient Are”)
We three frits, all reactive are
Grab us up and open the jar
We’ve got copper, lead and sulphur
Fighting to be the star
Oh-whoa…
Red is brown and blue is black
Pink is grey and white is whacked
That’s what happens when you mix us
Not what you expected, Jack
Started with vanilla, I think
Added turquoise, cranberry pink
Then some amber, topped with yellow
Guess I just didn’t think
Oh-whoa….
Red is brown and blue is black
Pink is grey and white is whacked
That’s what happens when you mix us
Not what you expected, Jack
Day 4: Have yourself a little more dichroic
December 19, 2010
I’d like to thank a dear, talented artist friend for inspiring this one. (I’d name names, but I’d also like to live to see the New Year.)
Have yourself a little more dichroic
(Apologies to “Have yourself a merry little Christmas”)
Have yourself a little more dichroic
Fling the bling around
From now on
your glass sales will be out of town
Stick some glitter on a simple pendant
On a plate or bowl
That’s just what
It takes to mark the darn thing “sold”
Here we thought that the money came
From making a name
in art
Seems instead people just want glitz
They don’t care if it’s
just schlock
Through the years, you’ll sell a piece or five, dear
That will make you proud
Until then you’ll
Have to sell it to the crowd
So have yourself a little more dichroic now
Day 3: Do you hear what I hear?
December 17, 2010
I’m sittin’ here, reading through a couple dozen of these things, and thinking that they betray a certain bias on my part. Oh well.
Do you hear what I hear?
Said the little kiln to the fuserman
Do you see what I see? (Do you see what I see?)
Blinking on my screen, fuserman?
Do you see what I see? (Do you see what I see?)
Your schedule there
Way too high and fast
It will cost you silver and gold!
Yes, will cost you silver and gold!
Said the fuserman to the little kiln
You don’t know what I know! (You don’t know what I know!)
This project must be finished by three!
You don’t know what I know! (You don’t know what I know!)
Pfffut to rules
I do this all the time
And it’s never broken before
No, it’s never broken before
Said the little kiln to the fuserman
Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?)
Tinking in the kiln, fuserman?
Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?)
Your glass has shocked
Cracked it right in half
That will cost you silver and gold
Yeah, will cost you silver and gold.
Said the kiln to the fusers ev’rywhere
Listen to what I say! (Listen to what I say!)
Glass ain’t cheap; don’t throw it away!
Listen to what I say! (Listen to what I say!)
Low and slow,
that’s the way to go
It will save you silver and gold
Yeah, will save you silver and gold.
Day 2: It’s beginning to look a lot like coldwork
December 14, 2010
For all you folks that just don’t like mangled Christmas poetry (if you think this is bad, you should see the games we’re playing on Facebook)…just don’t look.
It’s beginning to look a lot like coldwork
It’s beginning to look a lot like coldwork
Everywhere, it shows
There’s a scratch on the surface there
A bubble that’s causing stares
A devit patch that looks like it will grow
It’s beginning to look a lot like coldwork
Artifacts galore
So the prettiest sight to see
Is the guy who says to me
“Sure, I’ll do all your coldworking for you. Cheap.”
(OK, so it screws up the meter but if I can get someone else to do my coldworking, who cares?)
Day 1 of the 10 (or 20) Days of Glassmass
December 10, 2010
My doggerel bug only bites during the winter holidays–don’t ask me why (and please be kind enough NOT to disagree and suggest it’s always a-chompin’). When it does, I start mucking up perfectly good verse in my own unique way.
In 2009, I reverted to my childhood, and what I thought I was singing when the chorister raised her baton. In 2007, I bashed, probably irretrievably, Clement C. Moore.
This year I’m attacking Christmas carols and, frankly, there’s a lot to attack. I’ll post these as I think of them, and if you want me to stop, I dunno, give me money. Jewelry. Chocolate-dipped raspberries. Or come help me clean out the studio so I can stop writing doggerel and get back to making glass.
You’ll do us all a favor. In the meantime, you can sing this one to the tune of Jingle Bells:
Dashing through the snow
In an eight-deer open sleigh
No one else will go
And I need glass today
Too much snow to drive
The roads have all been closed
I found this sleigh down by the park
So to the store I go….whoa!
(chorus)
Grab some sheet, jars of frit
And some stringer too
Oh what fun it is to run
From cops and Santa, too-ooo
Grab some sheet, jars of frit
And some stringer too
Oh what fun it is to run
From cops and Santa, too!
A day or two ago
I thought I’d finished up
My presents were all done
My glass was all used up
But then the darn phone rang
My mom was on the line
“Now, don’t forget your uncle Bob,”
“He says a bowl is fine”…Whoa!!!!
Grab some sheet, jars of frit
And some stringer too
Oh what fun it is to run
From cops and Santa, too-ooo
Grab some sheet, jars of frit
And some stringer too
Oh what fun it is to run
From cops and Santa, too!
Too bad the store was closed
I had to pick the lock
And then this fat guy shows
And screams for me to stop
“You’re on the naughty list
Now give me back my sleigh!
I’ve got a jillion gifts to drop
Before it’s Christmas day–WHOA!”
Grab some sheet, jars of frit
And some stringer too
Oh what fun it is to run
From cops and Santa, too-ooo
Grab some sheet, jars of frit
And some stringer too
Oh what fun it is to run
From cops and Santa, too!
I grabbed him by the beard,
“Saint Nick, you just don’t see!
My Uncle Bob is loaded
And he’s leaving it to me!”
“If I don’t make this bowl
The old boy will be mad”
But Santa, he called 911
And I knew I’d been had…Whoa!
Jingle bells, bloody hell
Who knew cops have sleighs?
Santa’s pressing charges so
I’m caged on Christmas Day-hey!
No more sheet, out of frit
Can’t get glass in jail
This goes down in history
As my great big Christmas FAIL
More to come.