Moonlight at sunrise, with jitters

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Awake to my sister practicing the last movement of Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No. 14 in C-sharp minor: Moonlight Sonata at sunrise. I smile and nod as Mom asks me if I’ve slept well, scent fresh-ground Sulawesi in the little one-cup coffeemaker Carol and Emelia gave me an age ago, and wonder:

If I grab these moments really REALLY tight, plaster them against my heart like a wall, will they make a fortress of hope and courage? Please?

Yep, right on time: My usual pre-doctor jittergloom.

Tomorrow I head down for x-rays and The Docs, a little more intensely than usual. It’s my six-month anniversary, the date medical insurers use to signal healing. If The Leg shows bone growth, we’ll start the long journey to wheelchair independence and finally going home. If it doesn’t, there’s a bone marrow transplant in my near future, and we reset the six-month clock.

That, and there’s this crazy troop of baboons in Washington bent on trashing the Constitution–a document I’m inordinately fond of–in a Putinesque power play that makes Game of Thrones look like Sesame Street.

It’s enough to make me long to be a reporter again. The stories are so juicy, the spokesbaboons so bad, that it’s hard to resist: A well-defined adversary is a reporter’s dream. It’s not “can I find a story here?” It’s “which of the thousand or so do I do first?”

And I just might get my wish: My company’s just been acquired by a megaconglomeratemultinational, so in a few weeks I’ll find out whether I’ve been invited to sail along or walk the plank.

It’s harder to swim in the job pool while wearing a wheelchair. And if the aforesaid baboons reinstate pre-existing conditions as an excuse for refusing health insurance, The Leg and I might be permanently welded to wheels.

Makes it even more important to get The Leg working.

It’s not that I couldn’t keep busy, either way. There’s a growing movement to connect the arts community with the Islamic, bringing families together to erase that whole “he is a stranger and therefore a barbarian terrorist” nonsense. It’s cool as hell and I need to be in it.

(more on that in future posts)

There’s explorations: I’ve discovered a whole new avenue for experiment, in metal clay and enameling, and I have a looooooong ways to go before I can speak that language fluently enough to marry it with pate de verre.

And Mom’s got this heart thing we’re not so sure about–which is why my sister’s over here this morning, playing Beethoven. She and Mom are visiting the doctor to figure out if surgery is indicated.

Not that the docs aren’t good, caring folk, they are. But they get even better when the family turns up to advocate.

Suzi’s is the sweet hand in the velvet glove, getting nurses and receptionists on her side and speeding things up. If that doesn’t work, she threatens them with…me. The webbitch, who finds obscure online diagnoses, calls it like it is, explains carefully that it’s awfully embarrassing to be called out on Twitter for bureaucratic incompetence, so let’s not go there, OK?

And if that doesn’t work, I threaten them with…my sister Becky, the ultimate mother. The lady who’s fought a million battles with healthcare providers, worked miracles with insurance companies, puzzled through tricky legal points, and never, ever lets go.

It’s a formidable trio, and we’re pulling out all the stops. Focusing on the battle keeps you from centering on worry. So far Mom’s tests are very, very good, so we’re taking a deep breath and focusing.

I’ve been using Beorn Bonegrower on The Leg faithfully, every night, and it feels…different. Painful, but in a good way.

Like bone is growing.

Still, I’m grabbing these mundane moments, the slightly mildewed smell of coming spring in the Northwest, the sounds of Mom fixing dinner and the laughter of friends, the wheeeee sensation of freewheeling on a hardwood floor, the taste of a perfect loaf of peasant levain as it surrenders on my tongue, the tight melding of a hug. The satisfaction of shaping words and sculpting stories.

These things, and a thousand more, build my fortress. Wish me luck. Wish us all luck.


The Saving Elmo series covers my adventures after crashing to the ground on Elmo, my replacement knee, sustaining an “open, comminuted fracture of the left femoral shaft.” It’s a tad more dire than it sounds; if my bone doesn’t grow completely back and return me to normal function, there’s a new, more painful, less effective femoral replacement in my future…with eventual amputation.

If you want to follow along on the journey, try these posts:

The ravell’d sleeve of care…

July 26th, 2017|5 Comments

Test: Can you spot the cripple?

July 22nd, 2017|14 Comments

Zeroing in and leveling out

July 20th, 2017|34 Comments

Femurs, accessibility, and Utah: Saving Elmo II

July 16th, 2017|14 Comments

Tripping the light surgical: Saving Elmo II

July 14th, 2017|12 Comments

Wheelchair traveler…

July 12th, 2017|7 Comments

Filling up on sweetness, with fragility

July 6th, 2017|8 Comments

Saving Elmo: Sometimes the bear eats you

June 26th, 2017|17 Comments

No place like it…

June 12th, 2017|6 Comments

Driving Miz Cynthia, Part Two

June 5th, 2017|9 Comments

Drivin’ Miz Cynthia

June 1st, 2017|5 Comments

Home-ward bound

May 29th, 2017|10 Comments

Room 15: Paying it forward

April 3rd, 2017|12 Comments

Whippersnapper

April 1st, 2017|5 Comments

The Fortress

March 25th, 2017|9 Comments

On the bone again…

March 10th, 2017|14 Comments

Moonlight at sunrise, with jitters

March 8th, 2017|8 Comments

The wheeled view

March 2nd, 2017|10 Comments

Elmo, Beorn, and the Ferengi’s ears

January 30th, 2017|12 Comments

Cliffhangers, clues, and claying around

November 28th, 2016|7 Comments

8 weeks: Patience for the unvirtuous

November 16th, 2016|12 Comments

Death by chicken

October 20th, 2016|5 Comments

Mr. Desmond

October 13th, 2016|7 Comments

Saving Elmo 4: The Meltdown

October 9th, 2016|13 Comments

Bedpans and reachsticks

October 2nd, 2016|4 Comments

Saving Elmo 2: The Plan

September 29th, 2016|11 Comments

Saving Elmo 1: I fight concrete…and lose

September 27th, 2016|26 Comments

2017-07-03T14:24:15+00:00

8 Comments

  1. ellen abbott March 9, 2017 at 2:39 pm - Reply

    fingers crossed. you’re due for some good forward moving news.

  2. Bob Leatherbarrow March 8, 2017 at 11:38 pm - Reply

    Fingers crossed!

  3. kathryncecelia March 8, 2017 at 11:15 pm - Reply

    Oh, I wish you luck for sure, but you are making your own luck with how you are living your life. I keep you in my prayers, too.

  4. Diana tillotson March 8, 2017 at 10:39 pm - Reply

    Prayers being said and fingers being crossed. I think that covers everything.

  5. carenashfordaren March 8, 2017 at 8:48 pm - Reply

    how did it go

  6. Bob Heath March 8, 2017 at 2:04 pm - Reply

    I have a good feeling about this doctor visit. I think they’re going to find good bone growth this time. I’m looking forward to hearing confirmation from you soon.

  7. Sally Ishikawa March 8, 2017 at 12:12 pm - Reply

    You give me hope. I am sending my hope back at you. Today will be good. Tomorrow will be good.

  8. Marilyn March 8, 2017 at 10:57 am - Reply

    Wishing you andElmo, your Mom and sister and especially you the best for healing
    Now if only our constitution could be savoured and applied as it needs to be

Comments welcome! (thanks)