“Are you here for your feet?” The voice was shy, a little quavery, and I couldn’t find its owner with a quick scan of Kaiser’s orthopedics waiting room. It was late in the day and the place was pretty much deserted, so it shouldn’t have been hard to find. […]
If this summer has taught me anything, it's that normal takes a helluva lot more time. It's been almost three months since Elmo-the-total-knee-replacement and I announced our joint partnership (heh-heh). While I can't say I'm as good as new, I'm at least 200 percent better than before surgery. "More like 2,000 percent," snorts a co-worker, "I used to wonder if you'd [...]
Meet Elmo, a contraption of titanium and silicone, now serving as my left knee My summer didn't include writing about it, which you may have noticed. Sometimes your summers are lazy, where you spend your days in a hammock, listening to the ice melt in your lemonade. You can write about that. Or renovation summers, where the whine of the [...]
Dear The Knee (“TK”); It is with great regret that we inform you that your position as Left Knee for Cynthia Morgan, Human Organism has been made redundant. Beginning Monday, July 13, 2015, all left knee functionality will be managed by a Zimmer Biomet NextGen machine and so your services will no longer be required. […]
"Do anything exciting tonight?" asked my friend Clarissa. ...except that Clarissa isn't really her name. "You writing about this the way you did LAST time?" she asked. I said, well, maybe... "Then don't you DARE use my name. Last time ******** couldn't stop laughing. He said ********** and I didn't know about ********** and that maybe I should ************." (Portions redacted to protect her identity) "I [...]
I’m about to have a body part whacked to bits. The Knee is making a premature exit from the rest of me, because even with a brand new cortisone shot and a full-length metal brace, I limp like a guy in a three-legged race…paired with a piano. He will be replaced by a titanium-and-plastic wonder I’m so far calling “Elmo.” (Hmmm. [...]
So yesterday. I'm in line at the market, wrapped up in my own head, mostly thinking about stuff I have to do at home, upcoming surgery (The Knee is making a premature exit, but more about that later), and all that sort of thing. Not, in other words, very aware of my surroundings...when it dawns on me that the woman [...]
I want y'all to know I am NOT doing my taxes right now. Please notice the date. Yup. Procrastinating again. (No gloating, Shelby) Dear dear DEAR Mr. Taxman, I PROMISE that right after I post this, I will definitely tackle finding all those scattered notices and W-whatnots and receipts and stuff and get them all sorted and parceled out and jammed into proper little piles of regimented columns in the tax program so [...]
“I wouldn’t exactly call that SUBTLE,” Markie said doubtfully. “Blue. Subtle. Exactly,” I said firmly, so she set to work. By noon, the fading green stripe on my head had been joined by a SUBTLE navy blue fringe peeking out from under my ears. OK, maybe it’s not all that subtle. Maybe it looks as if I mummified my body [...]
Apologies for the pun. When it gets that bad, you know the glassist is kilnless. Try saying “glassist is kilnless” five times, very fast. Probably not survivable. Neither, according to my fevered brain, is not having a working kiln in the house. First time in more than 15 years and, naturally, the number of just-gotta-do-it-right-NOW projects has reached an all-time high. [...]
