You know, people, I think we’re missing a bet. Have you ever tried reading your spam?

Somewhere inside me is this compulsion not to let anything go to waste (probably DNA from my thrifty Scottish ancestors), so I do actually read the spam that’s posted to this blog or my junk mail folders. Every once in awhile, that is; if I read all of it I’d never do anything else.

Surprisingly, much of it’s good for a laugh. Some of it’s so good it’s even worth saving. I’m not talking about the “get your free hot animal sex here” stuff…but if you actually sit down and read some of the rest, it’s hilarious.

I’ve been called “Darling Angel Eyes” by Nigerians (who, understandably, think that my optics deserve a few hundred million bucks), offered a cure for diseases I picked up on my travels to Alpha Centauri (my horoscope did say I’d travel to distant places this year), and been tenderly given passages from the classics: Shakespeare, Hemingway, Proust. I always wonder how they happen to choose (and amalgamate) the fragments they send.

None of it makes any sense, but then, neither do Ionesco and Douglas Adams, and I like their work. Why buy their absurdity when you can get it for free from your junk mail folder? Take this, which arrived yesterday in my blog’s Akismet filter:

Why hello swain forum people! I right-minded wanted to introduce myself here as this looks like a dialect right attractive forum! I myself am provocative in things like writeing and computer revamping so if anyoune needs steal forgive me know! I also Suffer from Sciatica so if you aslo fool this disease cause to me recognize so we can allowance some stretches!

Or this missive, which may or may not be commentary on today’s political scene:

I stand here today humbled by the task before grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our cheap doofus. I thank President power leveling for his service to buy kamas, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Hmmm. Maybe I should turn off that filter. The spam may be better than anything I could write myself.