GLASSLAND, USA __ A new line of fusible glass promises to completely eradicate bad glass art within the next two years.

Stumptown Glass Company’s new Simpatico glass prevents artists from making poor artistic choices when developing kilnformed, cast or torchworked glass. The glass’ built-in aesthetic sense reviews the artist’s composition, using criteria gathered from juries at leading art competitions around the world. If the composition exceeds those criteria, the glass removes itself from the work or breaks.

“For example, let’s say you’ve piled on 20 colors of glass in a single work, or maybe added some dichroic,” explained Clint A. O’Hara II, Stumptown Glass CEO, “From an artistic standpoint, we know that’s probably going to be a disaster.”

The glass will analyze the composition and allow only aesthetically correct components to fuse together,” O’Hara continued, “The rest of the glass will activate a high-temperature shield of pure silicon which keeps the glass from melting at kilnforming temperatures. The glass then releases ‘aesthetons,’ tiny atomic particles which strike the incorrect glass millions of times per second, gradually pushing it to an unused spot on the kilnshelf.”

The protective silicon coating is resorbed when temperatures drop below the strain point of the glass, leaving the glass in its original state. When the artist opens the kiln, he’ll find an aesthetically pleasing piece of glass art and a stack of unused Simpatico glass, ready to be used again. If the offending glass is somehow trapped in the composition, it will crumble into tiny bits and exit without harming the art.

Glass billets intended for casting have an additional feature: The protective silicon coating will extrude small “stickers,” much like velcro, which cling to the mold reservoir and prevent the offending glass from entering the mold.

Simpatico Glass takes advantage of recent breakthrough discoveries made at the prestigious Corning Glass Institute. Scientists there found that breakage formerly thought to be due to “incompatibility,” was actually caused by a high “co-efficient of ugly,” or CoU, said Vetri Glassidocttir, head of the institute’s Aesthetica Lab.

“There is no such thing as “compatibility” in kilnformed glass,” he said, “Silicon’s rudimentary intelligence–what allows it to manage data in computer chips–has now been shown to have a strong aesthetic component. An ugly arrangement with a high CoU triggers extreme expansion in the surrounding glass; it’s literally trying to ‘break out’ of the composition. Misinformed glass experts have called that a physical property of the glass, coefficient of expansion, when in reality it’s an aesthetic judgement.”

The Stumptown products, Glassidocttir predicted, are only the start. “We are working on glass that will only frame good art, window glass that won’t allow bad decorating and mirrors that keep cracking until you have plastic surgery. In 50 years, there won’t be an ugly thing left on Earth.”

Simpatico glass is currently available in three aesthetically tuned palettes: Australian, Japanese and Czechoslovakian. The company expects to add an aesthetically pleasing American palette to the line “as soon as we can find one.”

To learn more about Simpatico Glass, and obtain samples, contact the company at 1-800-APRILFOOL. Or visit their website at